I felt it my civic duty to announce my top five favorite albums of all time to anyone out there with a taste in rock and roll, so here it is, along with an explanation of why I hate Styx, and why you should too.

 1.)    In Utero-Nirvana.  What?  No Nevermind?  It was hard for me to not give the top spot to Nevermind because that one album killed 80’s Glam Metal as we know it, and that is why I’m sure Kurt Cobain is in heaven right now.  I love every album Nirvana ever made, and they all display incredible musical genius because, well…it’s NIRVANA and they’re just the BEST BAND EVER!  The reason I place this as their best album, and the best album of all time, is because of its overall meaning.  After the Nirvana craze of the early 90’s, Kurt Cobain grew uneasy with his fanbase, thinking they weren’t really understanding what his songs really meant…in came In Utero.  Songs like “Rape Me” and “Heart-Shaped Box” unapologetically touched on issues that no artist would dare touch, much less touch in such a way.  The lyrics can be sick and disturbing, and they’re meant to be that way; this is Nirvana’s heart and soul. Kurt’s lyrics are embracing; they make the listener live in the song.  To the critical eye, In Utero is to social issues what Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle was to the meatpacking industry.  Not to mention that it delivers classic Nirvana genius – the lyrical sarcasm in “All Apologies” is so thick it makes you want to laugh.  Top Tracks: “All Apologies,” “Heart Shaped Box,” “Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle.” 

2.)    Sixteen Stone-Bush.  Bush’s first album was without a doubt their most genius.  In a time when the grunge scene was being dominated by American bands, Britain finally produced one of its own, and Sixteen Stone proved to be a fantastic breakthrough.  Obviously hits like “Comedown,” and “Glycerine” helped propel Bush into the heart of mainstream American rock, but the beauty of the album is that it never tires.  From “Everything Zen” to “X-Girlfriend,” the album keeps you listening to the album, a rarity in today’s crap.  Too many groups simply have a 12-track album with one or two tracks as pillars.  Sixteen Stone is consistent – massive guitars, distortion everywhere, and above all, raw talent.  Top Tracks: “Comedown,” “Glycerine,” “Little Things” 

3.)    Dopethrone-Electric Wizard.  I never even knew this group existed until college when one of my classmates opened my eyes to the world of Doom Metal.  This album is so heavy it should be illegal – if Lucifer has an iPod, I’m sure he’s got Electric Wizard on there, and probably some Michael Jackson, too.  The album is just genius – a slow, pondering, doom opus.  Not to mention the fact that the vocals are so low in the album that it sounds more like an unintelligible, rabid growl than singing.  Top Tracks: “Vinum Sabbathi,” “Dopethrone,” “Funeralopolis.” 

4.)    Appetite for Destruction-Guns N Roses.  Remember the days when Axel Rose didn’t suck?  I do!  Without a doubt one of the greatest albums of all time, from one of the greatest bands of all time.  It took hard rock and wrested it from the grip of Poison and their horrible 80’s Glam Metal lackeys.  This album delivered hit after hit; the gritty, in-your-face guitars of Izzy Stradlin and Slash conjuring up images reminiscent of Grand Theft Auto.  At the same time, however, songs like “Sweet Child of Mine” “Paradise City” and the two-part “Rocket Queen” showcase more roses and less guns, but it’s not enough to detract.  This tone would show up more in later GNR hits like “November Rain,” and “Patience,” as the band was slowly ripped apart by Axl’s ego before reaching the tattered state of affairs the band is in today.  I guess every rose really does have its thorn.  In short, though, the album paints a beautiful picture of the low-life scum of America, and is from my experience also a great listen while trimming Christmas trees.  Top Tracks: “Mr. Brownstone,” “Rocket Queen,” “Sweet Child of Mine.” 

5.)    Wolfmother-Wolfmother.  In my opinion, this is one of only two groups formed since 2000 that don’t sound like crap.  Not only do they not sound like crap, they sound great!  Wolfmother’s debut self-titled album hearkens back to the days of psychedelic grooves and flower power.  Add in Andrew Stockdale’s high flowing vocals, and you’ll think you’re being sung a ballad by a medieval minstrel…a medieval minstrel with an electric guitar.  Come to think of it, he sounds a little like Claudio Sanchez of Coheed & Cambria, only…he doesn’t sound like crap.  AND his hair is ten-times more amazing – afro beats curly mop any day of the week.  But enough of last week’s ramblings – this album just plain kicks butt.  Every song caught my attention; I actually heard each track play – they don’t simply run together like every other album made by every other new band in today’s musical realm.  I also have to mention that the instrumentation is simply epic – “Woman” is a 3-minute bomb explosion…with an organ solo to boot.  The album itself is also very heavy in sound – the riffs in the chorus of “White Unicorn” are so low you think you’re listening to Black Sabbath.  All in all, some great creative vibes from some great new talent.  I really hope their next album is just as good if not better.  Top tracks: “Woman,” “White Unicorn,” and “Love Train.”  

AND NOW, for your reading pleasure… 

Five Reasons Why I Hate Styx and Why You Should Too

Not enough people in this world hate Styx, and so as a public service announcement, I’ve compiled a list of the Top 5 reasons to hate the most overrated group in the history of mankind, Styx…

5.) Tommy Shaw is overrated – enough said on that, let’s move on, shall we.

4.) Dennis DeYoung is a wimp – I would love to see a cage match between Claudio Sanchez and Dennis DeYoung – they both have annoying, high pitched voices and try sooo hard to make good music.  They just can’t make the cut though.  I hate to say it, but I think Claudio would win-the guy is “built like a lion” to quote my good friend Hydraduck.

3.) Kilroy Was Here following the trend of other concept albums I hate, Styx decided to make their album into a futuristic scenario where music has been outlawed, and the mythical “Kilroy” must escape the prisons of the MMM and their notorious leader, Dr. Righteous.  Oh how I wish Kilroy wasn’t here.  Like virtually every other concept album ever made, it is overbearing in its creativity to the point where the listener is suffocating on ridiculous content.  The Wall is the only half-decent album in that genre I’ve ever heard – I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – if you want to tell a story, write a book.  

2.) They use Synthesizers.  Any band who uses 80’s style synthesizers is pretty much crap, but Styx is a master of screwing up any semblance of music in a song.  I almost cry when I hear the synth. break on “Come Sail Away” – it actually sounds kinda’ good until this point, and as soon as that feathery whining comes through, it drops faster than Rosie O’Donnell with a sack of lead.

 And the #1 reason I hate Styx and you should too: 

MR. ROBOTO

If it were my decision, I would condemn Styx to hell for even thinking of writing this song.  It is without a doubt the most obnoxious, aggravating piece I’ve ever heard.  I’m not sure if they were under the effects of cannabis when they wrote this, but I’d believe it. It mixes two of my least favorite things, emo rock and synthesizers.  Even though this was the 80’s DeYoung’s whiny voice and vocals lean more towards a Hawthorne Heights album than Styx.  I mean, come on…“I’ve got a secret / I’ve been hiding / under my skin / My heart is human / my blood is boiling / my brain IBM.”  If that doesn’t scream “emo” I don’t know what does – the guy thinks he’s a freakin’ robot!  Ding ding ding, there goes my “emo metaphor” alert.  Don’t even get me started on the video.